Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome

I've purposefully used photos of me in this post that aren't me. Well, they are - just not anymore. They are Pre-Infertility-Diagnosis-Me. They are Carefree Me. They are Brunette-Me. Slimmer-Me. I felt for so long that our diagnosis had taken away my identity, when actually I didn't realise it was creating a new Me: a Stronger Me. Wonder Woman Me. Walk-Through-Hell-and-Back-Again-to-Become-a-Mum-Me. And then all of a sudden, confusion took over, and I felt like I lost my identity. 

My tee says "Be Real, Not Perfect" which couldn't be any truer for this post!

January was an emotional and mental rollercoaster for me. I won’t lie, I seriously struggled and some days just having a shower and brushing my teeth were the biggest achievement of the day for me... You see, I can’t quite place where I fit in anymore now. I used to stand tall as a member of the Infertility Club (The Worst Club, With the Best Members), and wore my crown as an IVF Mama proudly. Now, whilst I know we are SO lucky and SO blessed to be in this current position of going through a natural pregnancy, I just kinda feel like... an imposter? 

I’m the sort of person who likes to be liked. I don’t do well when I know that someone doesn’t like me, even though I know it shouldn’t bother me and I still have an incredible circle of friends and family who DO like me just as me. Taking it back a minute, I vividly remember my ex-boyfriend calling me a ‘wannabe’ when we broke up. He said I just followed everyone else – their fashion, their music taste, and that I was a fake who just wanted to fit in with our crowd. It sticks with me now, because I know that that 15-year-old-me just wanted to be liked and popular, so yes, I did follow the trends of others (perhaps not the best choice as I look back on the photos of me with heavy eyeliner, an 8mm hole in my earlobe, and Sharpie pen all over my Converse!) I mean, obviously I wasn’t that cool if you can picture the type of people I hung out with, lol. 

Being infertile, I felt like I’d finally found my niche in my circle – I was the one going through IVF, I was that friend people told their other friends about. There was nothing ‘fake’ or ‘wannabe’ about our situation, and I stepped out of my comfort zone to start this blog and found new friends who were all in the same boat as me. I’ve always maintained that being infertile does not define me, but my god – it's a HUGE part of my life. And now we’re pregnant naturally, is it wrong that I feel sad that that label has been taken away from me? A little bit, yes. 

If you’re on the Infertility Train and reading this thinking “god woman, what is WRONG with you?!” please, please try to understand... I am so, unbelievably, fucking proud of the person I’ve become since our infertility diagnosis. I look at our gorgeous son and know that every single tear, injection, negative pregnancy test (the list goes on, you know the story!) was worth it just so I could hold him in my arms. I know that I wouldn’t be half the woman – half the MUM – I am if it wasn’t for our diagnosis. Infertility doesn’t define me, but hell, it helped recreate me!

Dark and Twisty 

Fans of Grey’s Anatomy will know what I mean about going a little dark and twisty, like Meredith and Cristina do, sometimes. And that had been how January felt to me. We’ve had yet another lockdown to contend with (thanks BoJo), which in turn created an inner turmoil with me as I struggled to know what to do about work. We’ve had the option to Work From Home if we so wish, and whilst my head said “do it, for your own health, your pregnancy, to protect your infant son and your diabetic husband!” my heart wrestled with the thought of leaving my team behind to deal with the office in-house. Like I said before, I don’t like not being liked, so if I worked from home, I thought people would turn their back on me and resent me for my choice, even though I knew it was for my best interests. It was a Catch-22 situation. 

Brunette KEB - oh how I miss these locks! I don't even mind the boob fat sticking out in this one!

We also had our 12-week scan last month. I was greeted in the days leading up to it with messages of well-wishes and “good luck!” which also caused me anxiety that I thought I’d suppressed. Sending 'good luck' implies that something could go wrong, and I don't need the added pressure of essentially ‘passing’ or ‘failing’ the next part of the test. Given our history, I don’t think I have ever – EVER – walked into a scan filled with 100% excitement. Show me a person who has experienced infertility or pregnancy loss who has told you otherwise and I will call them a liar. We even have a term for it: scanxiety! We are used to bad news, that’s just how this community rolls. We hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. We’re the statistics you see in reports, and it’s robbed us of so much hope and naivety that others enjoy about their pregnancies. 

And in a final stab in the back (thanks COVID) we finally reached one of the biggies. The milestone that says “we did it! We survived one whole year of parenthood! We did IVF HOW long ago now?!” Morgan’s First Birthday. I’d had hopes for a small family tea party, with the house decked out in balloons-galore and a spread of food that the Kardashians would be proud of. Instead, I found myself greeting friends and family members at the door from a safe distance, whilst trying to prevent Mo from crawling out of said-door into the wind and rain outside. We couldn’t make a big deal out of it, and his birthday went largely unnoticed by many until I started posting pictures of him. It’s just – wait for it! - not fair! 

The IVF Mama? 

BUT as soon as I realised why I had gone all dark and twisty, it was a turning point for me. I shifted my concentration from what we’d lost or missed out on, to focussing on what we’d gained. In a small blessing, I ended up being furloughed rather than having to work from home. I breathed a massive sigh of relief (okay, I sobbed) as I realised I’d finally claw back a bit of my maternity leave I felt like I’d had taken from me by returning to work earlier than anticipated, and at a decent wage, too. I’d been suffering physically with the usual first-trimester nausea, anxiety, headaches and fatigue woes, so knowing I didn’t have to worry about work took a massive weight off my shoulders. I mean, I still had a weight on my hip from lugging Morgan around, but swings and roundabouts! 

The scan too, was perfect, and whilst so far I’d felt rather detached from this pregnancy (vomiting aside!) seeing the little munchkin having a boogie on the screen broke me and opened up the floodgates once more. They were real! It was really happening! And wow, that baby got moves! Because we didn’t have the build-up to this pregnancy like we did with Morgan, I was starting to worry that I wouldn’t have the same connection with them as a I do with him. Would I love them any less? Would I consider them less of a miracle because I didn’t endure the pain and suffering I’d gone through previously? The answers are, of course not. Morgan and Munchkin (just go with me here, baby names are tough second time around. I had 29 years to think of Morgan’s name – now you’re telling me we have just a few months to figure out this one?!) are both miracles in their own right, and are equally as special as one another. 

Which brings me onto my final point... am I still The IVF Mama? I love my Instagram handle. I’m amazed it hadn’t been taken before, and thought it would make me instantly recognisable to those looking for another kindred spirit. Although now I am still an IVF mama, I am also just a spontaneous-conception mama – and that doesn’t quite roll off the tongue so nice now, does it? So, I have some thinking to do about my online presence. I would hate someone to find my profile, see that I’m naturally pregnant now and think I was falsely advertising my motherhood journey and shoving it in their face. Being an IVF mama was and is still a part of me, I just have a new chapter to include now, too. If there is a niche in the social media market for others going through pregnancy/infertility/IVF/home renovations/a love of baking and wedding inspiration, then do me hit me up - I'm your gal!

Honeymoon KEB - I still can't believe my booty used to fit into a pair of shorts like that!

It’s now February, and I’m mostly done with being in my dark and twisty phase. January was just been a lot, for us all, and if you’re thinking that I’ve neglected our friendship, or my blog, or my steady stream of blue-eyed-boy photos, this has just been what’s going on with me. 

I hope you’re doing okay, too? My inbox is, as always, open for conversation and if you ever feel like this pandemic, motherhood, infertility or whatever is getting to you, please know I’m around to chat. We’re all in this together! 

KEB x

P.s to the bastard ex who knocked any semblance of confidence out of me all those years ago, fuck you. Dickhead. 

Expecting the Unexpected

Well, I am shook that a global pandemic was not the craziest thing to happen to us in 2020.  

We’re pregnant. Naturally pregnant.  

Our family Christmas photoshoot, complete with a 6-week pic of our little surprise!

My current range of emotions go like this... Excited. Nervous. Shocked. Anxious. Terrified. Elated. Blessed. Grateful. Shocked. Worried. Bewildered. Unbelievable. Shocked. Crazy. Did I say shocked? 

It’s currently that weird Christmas/New Year limbo time, where you’re not quite sure what day it is, and a pork pie and a handful of Celebrations qualifies as a balanced meal. We announced on Christmas Day our crazy news, because let’s face it – in the world of surprise pregnancy announcements, Christmas Day tops the lot of them. And I can’t believe that we are actually in a position to be able to have done that!? I know some of you may be thinking why haven’t we waited until the safety of the 12-week scan, but in this day and age surely we are all starting to realise that there IS no safe zone, until that baby is safely in your arms? And also, being pregnant whilst running around after an almost-one-year-old is really not easy – hell, being pregnant alone is not easy! - but the exhaustion is killing me and I could do with knowing that people are around me to help and it’s not just me being lazy, I just really need a nap. 

Doctors told us back in early 2017 that we had a 2-3% chance of conceiving naturally, due to the morphology of J’s sperm (in a nutshell – pardon the pun – he has loooaaaads of swimmers, they just don’t quite look right). From 2015 to 2019 we were using absolutely no contraception, and yet nothing happened. So, after Morgan was born in January 2020 via ICSI/IVF, we were certain there was no need for us to continue using anything. And people thought we were crazy for that? 

Let’s take it back a minute. You know our story; you know our struggle. If – by sheer luck – we did fall pregnant naturally, it would be a bloody miracle. Why would we give that up that chance?!  

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this particular post (although I'm sure some of you are curious to know what on earth is going on!) but something that keeps touching a nerve is the lack of empathy that comes straight after we’ve told people our news. We’ve had a lot of “we knew this was going to happen!” and a whole lot more of “well your body has been pregnant before, so OF COURSE you were going to get pregnant again!” And let’s not forget the age-old “that happened to someone I know!”  

Let’s be clear:  

• No one knew this was going to happen.  
• My body HAS been pregnant before Morgan, and yet it still took a further 12 months and two more rounds of IVF for me to fall pregnant with him.  
• My body did not just “know” how to get pregnant again after our miscarriage.  
• J’s sperm did not just suddenly get their act in gear and think “quick! She’s fertile! Assemble the troops!”  
• I was definitely not “more relaxed” this time around, because guess what? I conceived the week I returned back to work after maternity leave (stress level: through the roof), and I had two really important cakes to bake which added to my stress even more, so.  
• Of all the mamas and mamas-in-waiting that I follow on social media, I do not know of any other woman who has conceived naturally after a successful treatment of IVF, save for Izzy Judd and Chrissy Teigen. These people that you “know” are very far and few between, and I’m sure your relation to them is very distant, too.  

Ultimately, this is a miracle pregnancy. Just as Morgan was, this baby will be our miracle for a completely different reason. He or she has so much love already, and although the timing may have come at a shock for us, it just means that we get our Happily Ever After just that little bit sooner! 

This pregnancy hasn’t been without its scares already though. As with Morgan, I’ve had bleeding/spotting on and off since I found out I was pregnant. I’ve always spotted for 7-10 days before my period is due anyway, so when this started happening back in mid-November, I assumed my arch nemesis was on Her way.  

Except... this time it just kinda stopped. I had been tracking my periods ever since they returned in September, just to keep regular tabs on my body. So, looking at my app, I realised I should’ve been due on that previous weekend. Cue shock, anxiety, and the teensiest bit of excitement. I agreed with myself that if I hadn’t come on by the time I was 10 days late, then I’d test. We still have a ton of boxes at my parents’ house from when we moved in January (lockdown thus preventing us from actually renovating our new house, seeing as no contractors could be booked!), including a box lovingly labelled ‘Fertility Shit’. I knew there were some pregnancy tests in there, so when I went to pick up Morgan one evening after work, I snuck upstairs to my old room, grabbed the box, and stuffed two tests up my sleeve to take home with me! 

J still swears I didn’t tell him I was going to test, but I’m sure I did. But in my frazzled state, who knows actually?! The next morning, I woke a little before 6am and instantly the fear set in when I realised I needed to pee, and therefore, test. There was fear because so many times I’ve been here before, having to take a test, only for it to be negative and for disappointment to set in. I think subconsciously I was terrified it would be negative, and all these emotions about not being able to fall pregnant naturally would come flooding back to me.  

I peed in a cup, dipped the tests (both of them, one was a Clearblue Digital Weeks Indicator, the other was a First Response), and waited the two minutes. I was CONVINCED it would be negative, and when I turned over the First Response and saw the most solid two lines, my initial reaction just went “fuck”. When I turned over the digital, it read ‘2-3 weeks’ so I knew this was a strong indication that not only was I pregnant, I was REALLY pregnant. 

There was no denying it - it's happening!

Now, please don’t take my ‘fuck’ reaction as disappointment. It was genuine shock! I’m still shocked, even now at 9 weeks!! I actually cannot believe this is happening to us, after everything we’ve been through. And that was a line I’d regularly use - “after everything we’ve been through” - for me to use an excuse for every bad thing that had happened to us. Remember my “It’s not fair” storyline? This is us, now on the other side. I’ve most certainly lost followers because they’ve seen my announcement and thought the very same thing. “Why should she get pregnant naturally when she’s already got a baby?” and the reason I know this is because I was one of those people. I am STILL one of those people, when some just get handed golden ticket after golden ticket, without lifting a finger.  

Anyway, I digress. 

I crawled (literally on my hands and knees!) back into bed, and put the tests in front of a bleary-eyed J. He’s seriously not a morning person, and his reaction was brilliant! He just kept blinking at the tests, looking at me, and then asking if it was real! 

I had to take myself off to work that day, walking around in a daze of shock and confusion. I couldn’t tell a soul what was going on, I thought I’d jinx it if I said it out loud! It wasn’t until the evening that I Face Timed my best friend to drop the bombshell on her, that it finally started to sink in. She couldn’t stop crying (I’m sure they were happy tears!) and it was her who rightfully pointed out that this was all we ever wanted, and we were getting our forever family just a bit sooner than we’d expected!  

J and I agreed we’d keep the news to ourselves, and if we should make it to Christmas, we’d announce it to our families then. They would literally have no clue, and it would be the ultimate gift! But a week and a half later, I started spotting quite heavily. I panicked, thinking it was all over, and rang 111 for advice, since my GP surgery was closed. They managed to get me booked in for an early scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit at my local hospital for the very next day at 9am. This was great, except my work had no clue what was going on, and I had no notice to tell them I had a doctor’s appointment! I had to tell my manager and colleague that I was just feeling “off” and had booked an emergency appointment for the next morning, so I’d be a bit late in. I didn’t want to tell them that I was pregnant, in case there was nothing on the scan and therefore worry them for no reason (I know this is silly and of course they would just want to know anyway), but equally I didn’t want them to think I’d had Covid symptoms! 

Obviously, cue a global pandemic. 

J couldn’t go to the scan with me because of Covid restrictions, and so I experienced first-hand what I’d been reading about all summer: women going to ultrasounds alone, fearing the worst, without their partners hand to hold.   

The nurses themselves were lovely and reassuring, but the minute I was left alone to wait for the ultrasound tech I start sobbing uncontrollably. On the walls around me were leaflets for miscarriage charities and helplines, and it brought the experience of our 2018 loss back with a bang. I can’t imagine how a woman must feel having to go through something like this alone whilst this awful virus rages – the maternity system has been let down enormously, and it’s so sad.  

According to my dates, I should’ve been 7 weeks and 2 days at the scan. Lo and behold, there was a teeny-tiny baby who popped up on the ultrasound screen – and oh my god, the relief at seeing that little grey blur was enormous! I started panicking slightly when the tech said I was only measuring around 6 weeks though (around 1.9mm) but by sheer luck, they could detect a heartbeat, which was incredible for that gestation! She put my mind at ease though when she said that judging by the size of the sac and foetus, everything was exactly on track for that size.  

I rang my manager when I got back to my car, and she instantly knew what I was going to say! She was thrilled for us, and told me to take it easy. I then told my colleague, who was equally just as shocked as we were!  

I’ve since been on and off spotting pretty much since that day, and still testing, just to be on the safe side! Just like with Morgan’s pregnancy, there’s no cause for the bleeding, and baby is still healthy. We booked ourselves in for a private scan closer to Christmas, just to be sure we had news to tell our families on the Big Day. That in itself was a right faff, and we couldn’t get any appointments where we live in Plymouth, so had to travel up to Exeter for a 7:30pm appointment! We dropped Morgan off at my parents’, saying we were off on a pre-Christmas date night, and raced up the A38, stopping off at a McDonald’s service station for some dinner on the way! “Would you have preferred a steak?” I asked J as he munched on his Big Mac, ha! 

Our sonographer at BabyBond Direct was brilliant and kept us so calm at the scan. We’d previously had a fantastic experience at the Plymouth branch when we had our 16-week gender scan with Morgan, and this did not disappoint! We told her about our history, and she was equally as shocked when we told her our story. She was then very surprised to find out our son was only born this year, and asked what the hell we were playing at! J’s response... “well we had to do something to keep busy in lockdown!” 

Christmas Day was a blur of emotions. I’d bought some DIY Christmas crackers, and thought I’d put the scan in there for our parents to pull and find out! Obviously, we couldn’t see ALL of our families on the day together, but we saw J’s parents for breakfast, and mine for lunch. (If anyone wants to get funny about bubbles, sod off. My parents are our support bubble, and J’s are our childcare bubble!) J’s parents are notoriously hard to buy presents for, and so I told J to tell her we’d just got them a gift voucher, and me being creative wanted to present it in an unusual way I.e. inside the cracker! I filmed their reaction, and the looks on everyone’s faces is absolutely priceless! His mum instantly bursts into tears, my sister-in-law couldn’t open her mouth wider with shock, and J’s dad had to sit down! Needless to say, we finally got the reaction we had wanted for so long, and it was worth waiting for! 

Absolutely no joke happening in these crackers!

My parents’ reaction was slightly different, albeit equally emotional. Both of them cried for a short while, and then went back to their Christmas dinners like nothing had happened! Afterwards I talked with them about everything, and it turns out my mum is just cautious for us – happy of course, but knows how hard I fell when things to a turn for the worse previously, and is just worried for us once again.  

However, in a far cry from Morgan’s pregnancy, we could not be more textbook with where we’re at now. We’ve had our midwife booking appointment, and they really reassured me that they were going to keep an eye on my mental health so that I don’t fall into a trap of antenatal depression, again. I’ll be referred to their perinatal team, so that should I ever feel the need to contact them, I’ll already be on their radar and won’t have to wait for an assessment to be done. I thought this was really great and proactive of them, and given the current climate I’m sure it’s something that is being flagged up and down the country.  

So that’s where we’re at. We are pregnant. Naturally pregnant.  

Baby Bywater 2.0, due July 2021!

KEB x