The Next 12 Days

For the first time ever we saw that 2nd pink line! Our two embryos had made it - we were pregnant!!

The day we found out we were pregnant - June 22nd 2018 - we couldn’t contain our excitement. We just HAD to tell our parents! I’m one of those people who love watching pregnancy announcements, proposals, gender reveals – anything real that could be out of the movies! So, I wanted to make it extra special when we started to tell people our happy news. 

When J’s mum was pregnant, J’s dad often knew before she did because he would always get a sudden hankering for white chocolate! So we went into town and found one of those vintage-looking books by Ladybird called “The Grandparents” to give to his mum, and then passed a bar of Milky Bar to his dad... Obviously she just burst into tears, and I think his dad even got quite emotional later that night, too! Baby B would’ve been due mid-February, so we actually found a Valentine’s Day card in Waterstones (a bargain in the sale as it was June!) which I gave to my parents. I wrote “XO Baby B, due February 2019” in it, and my parents just stared at it for what felt like an age!! I don’t think the penny quite dropped instantly (either that, or they were just too stunned to believe that we actually WERE actually pregnant!) 

Our babies would've been due in February, so we got this card for my parents to announce our pregnancy!

One of my best friends C was coming over one day, and I told her to come upstairs while we were getting ready to go out. I hid my positive pregnancy tests underneath my purse, and asked her to pass it to me as I packed my bag – all the while my phone was set up behind a photo frame to catch it all on video! Her response is so genuine and so lovely: “Am I supposed to look at this...? OH MY GOD I’M GONNA CRY!”  

It was another of my best friend’s first wedding anniversary a few days later, and I signed out her card “Lots of love from K, J and Bump”. It makes me cringe, thinking about it now!! But again, I caught her reaction all on camera and she just looked at me as if to say “you twat, come here and hug me!”  

We told our close family friends at a BBQ we hosted, and there were so many tears. One of them had even brought low-alcohol champagne with him because he had a feeling we were about to reveal our exciting news! Again, we got it all on film. I was so happy that I would have our own little compilation of pregnancy announcements to show our future children! 

Obviously, I was excited. But I was so, so nervous, too. I knew too many people close to me who had suffered from miscarriages, and I was terrified I would suffer the same fate. I wouldn’t allow myself to start talking about maternity leave or baby showers, and one day my best friend took me aside after work and just said “look, this is your time. Come on and enjoy it, you SO deserve this!!” And she was right! I did deserve this, I HAD to stay calm and as stress-free as possible, not only for my sake but for that of the little lives I was growing inside me. J’s mum started knitting a baby blanket and bought me a pregnancy cook book, and I saw a cute Winnie the Pooh cushion that would look adorable in our future nursery, so I bought it. I spent time with pregnant friends, and for the first time since our journey began, I didn’t feel sad or anguish at seeing their blossoming bumps. I was one of them, now! 

This is now the part that I’m finding the hardest to write about. In the space of 12 short days, we went from Cloud 9 to rock bottom. 

11 days after our positive test, I noticed I was spotting. It was the first wee of the day and I was still half-asleep, but as soon as I wiped, my heart started pounding out of my chest. J tried to reassure me that the clinic had said I might experience some light bleeding, but I couldn’t put the worry out of my mind. I rang them first thing, and they again tried to reassure me. They told me about 75% of IVF patients experience bleeding in the first few weeks! From experience with a close friend, I knew that I shouldn’t start worrying about the threat of a miscarriage until I started seeing fresh, red blood, which would probably have big clots in them. I specifically remember her being told “if they’re about the size of a 50p coin, you’ve probably miscarried.” That line has haunted me since I heard that. 

By early afternoon, the spotting had turned to blood. I was frantic, and I raced to the pharmacy after work to pick up some more pregnancy tests. I had to test, I had to know I was still carrying my little babies. As far as I’m concerned, two live embryos were transferred into me. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll never know if only one of them made it by the time I tested, because science isn’t that advanced. As far as I’m concerned, I still had two babies in me. 

J wasn’t as worried as I was, even when I said about the blood. Even when I said I was going to take a few more tests, he still carried on his evening as usual – he was adamant nothing was wrong. I took a Clearblue Digital, and a First Response, and both screamed ‘NOT PREGNANT’ at me. Only then, did J realise what was happening to me. 

I was having a miscarriage, and there was nothing in the world we could do to stop it. 

KEB x