Okay – so when we entered the world of IVF we naively assumed that there were two outcomes – it either worked, or it didn’t. Obviously, this is a really ridiculous mindset to have, but actually being a novice about the whole thing it’s probably how a lot of the outside world view it, too. Unless you’re going through IVF, you probably have no idea what exactly happens and have this exact mindset. We had now gone through two rounds of it, and had come out on the other side with a miscarriage and an abandoned cycle. This is one of the exact reasons why I decided to speak out on this blog, because the stigma around infertility and assisted conception needs to stop, and hopefully those around us can gain a better insight into it, too. But I’m digressing, and I’ve got a whole speech about that to come later.
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| I didn't even want to show my face in this update photo - it was all over for Round 2 and I was gutted. |
So... what the actual fuck do we do now?!
This was an outcome I literally hadn’t even comprehended. I knew by this point that of course it can a) work, b) it can fail, and c) it can work and you still end up as the heart-breaking 1 in 4 who end up miscarrying. From my extensive research, I also knew that you could d) make it all the way to egg collection, and due to having a massive response to your drugs you become so poorly that you end up having to freeze all available embryos and wait a few months to do a frozen transfer later, until your body recovers. You can also tragically make it all the way to egg collection and either e) not have any viable eggs to use, or f) end up with zero fertilisation. We fell into category g) abandoned cycle due to a poor response to the drugs.
This is actually a really important thing for the non-IVF world to read, and do you know what – I'm actually going to highlight that paragraph in bold text! I’m sure I’ve missed many of the outcomes – so by all means, please do comment and let me know your experiences!
Anyway, I’m digressing again. By the time the doctor told us this was the best route to take, I was numb. I had no more tears in me left to cry. We had been slightly prepared for this outcome at the results of Follicle Scan #4, when they brought it up as a possibility then – and boy, did I cry my heart out. Months of emotional and physical preparation into this one moment had just come crashing down around us, and we had absolutely fuck all to show for it. We had parted with £3,700 for the ICSI IVF treatment at our clinic, and because it had been their opinion to pull the plug, they refunded us about two thirds of this, which was a slight relief for us financially. Of course, we had already spent a chunk of money on the drugs too (which are NOT included in most IVF treatments, just FYI), so we had taken quite a hit to our bank account, nonetheless.
Even though it was only a Wednesday in January, we had both taken that full week off work, and decided to continue on with our annual leave for the remainder of the week while we both healed. I was emotionally and physically exhausted, especially. J just wanted to be with me and support us both as we decided what to do next. The following week just so happened to be what would’ve been our expected due date with our two embryos, too, so my soul was just at breaking point. I didn’t - and don’t to this day – know how much more I can take. We told both our parents what had happened, and naturally, they were devastated for us, too. My mum was very much of the “onwards and upwards!” brigade, whereas J’s mum was quite hurt that we hadn’t included them this time. As she put it: “they were going through it with us, too.”
Another wonderful thing had happened right before this though. As I mentioned previously, J and I had sadly lost a grandparent each nearly a year beforehand, and the week before our cycle was abandoned, J and I were very generously gifted a portion of J’s granddad's inheritance by his parents. They said it was to put towards the next round of IVF – which of course, unbeknownst to them, we were already doing. It was a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that we had a buffer of money to see us through to Round 3. We are so eternally grateful to both sets of parents who have so kindly put their inheritance towards the next generation of our families, and without our grandparents, this would not be possible. I have jewellery from both grandparents on each side which I wear religiously, as a reminder to do this just as much for them as we are doing it for ourselves. I cannot stress enough that we wouldn’t be able to do this without them. Ugh, now I’m crying.
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| J's grandma's Saint Christopher necklace (patron saint of safe journeys) and my gran's watch are constant reminders to keep me going every single day. And of course, my IVF Babble pineapple pin! |
The clinic told me that I would have a bleed shortly after stopping all medication, which came like clockwork a week later. They said that once I started my next proper period to give them a call and they would put me on the next available batch of IVF patients, ready to start our third round. I roughly had a month to mentally gear myself up for this one, and so I threw myself into having a fertility makeover!
Acupuncture
I have been seeing an acupuncturist regularly since February 2017 (10 months after we first started trying) and she has been an absolute angel. Some people swear by acupuncture for fertility, others think it’s a load of phooey. Personally, I just think she’s great for anxiety, advice, and just general support. I never really thought I was an anxious person before trying to get pregnant – high strung with OCD, and a little controlling yes, but anxious? No. But she made me realise that actually I was stringing myself up so badly through baby-making obsession, and this was my one hour to just totally unwind and take care of numero uno. Her name is Deborah and she’s from Wholebody Acupuncture, and she specialises in women’s health and fertility. She has the most calming presence and is constantly checking up on me – sending me tips and lists of healthy, fertility-nourishing foods. I actually consider her more as a friend now, and she always sends me on my way after each session with a hug and positive thoughts.
Kinesiology
After the disaster of Round 2, Deb recommended both J and I see her friend Sergie from Healthserg kinesiology. Now this is something a lot of people think is a load of phooey, especially J when I told him what we were going to do! Kinesiologists work in different ways, but essentially their job is to balance the body. Sergie spent the first part of my session (he preferred to see each of us alone, rather than as a couple as he knew we would open up more if the partner wasn’t present!) just talking about things – my relationship with J, our infertility journey, my emotions, how I felt about friends, family, work, and how they affected or contributed to my mindset. Before I knew it, I was a blubbering mess on his sofa!
The second part was about balancing my body physically. He performed a series of (what I thought were) random and odd tests along my body to see how I responded to certain vitamins and minerals. He could hold a bottle of omega 3 to my chin (for example), push against my arm and see how well I resisted his push. Depending on whether there was any resistance or not proved if I had a deficiency of each vitamin. It was a very strange experience! He also worked with essential oils and talked to me about certain aspects of my life, holding my head in various positions until I opened up more honestly. It was so weird, but it actually worked! I came away feeling lighter, happier, and ready to take on the world! J was such a sceptic at first, but after his initial session he was absolutely buzzing and couldn’t recommend him to more people! We each went away with various vitamins and supplements to try to sort our bodies out, and I guess we’ll see if the proof is in the pudding, later!
We continued to see Sergie for three sessions each, both preparing our bodies and minds for our third round of IVF. He also recommended I drink a special “hormone shake” each day until we started the next round, which was high in protein and healthy oils. He couldn’t stress enough how many women he’d helped get pregnant who drank this shake, so here’s the recipe!
- 1 scoop of protein powder – recommended brand was Nature’s Sunshine SynerProtein (I liked the chocolate flavour!)
- 1 tablespoon flax seeds
- 1 tablespoon chia seeds
- 1 tablespoon flax seed oil
- 1 tablespoon soya yoghurt
- 2 small handfuls of fruit – such as half a banana or some berries
Blitz the seeds in a blender first, then add in the rest of the ingredients. Top up with about ½ a pint of water, and blitz again. Add more water to taste – it can get quite gloopy! You don’t have to drink it all in one go, so I liked to drink it throughout the morning until lunchtime – which kept me nice and full, too!
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| Sergie's Hormone Shake - I kept at these daily for about two months until I was fully in the swing of Round 3! |
Exercise
I had quit the gym long ago. There’s so much contradicting information about how much or how little you should do when trying for a baby, but I think the healthiest thing to do is just keep doing what you’ve always done. If you’re used to going to spin classes three times a week, keep at it! Of course, if, like me, you don’t do anything then it is worth doing some moderate exercise, regardless of whether you’re trying for a baby or not! I started just walking around my local area, taking my headphones and a good soundtrack with me, and getting out a few times a week for about an hour at a time. Not only was I smashing about 7,500 steps each time, but the fresh air and alone time was good for my mental health, too!
Mind
I ensured I was taking care of my mental health a lot more, too. After opening up to Sergie about my feelings, I let go of a lot of anger and resentment towards the past. I accepted that my relationship had changed, friendships may never be the same again, and work really did have to take a backseat while I put my personal life first and foremost. It sounds silly, but I even turned off the ‘read receipts’ on WhatsApp, because I used to dwell on it so much if I saw that someone had read my message and not responded! I also turned off my status availability, so no one could see if I was online, and vice versa, too. What a difference it made! I accepted that this life was the new norm, and that was okay. It was okay to be different, and it was okay to put myself first. If I had trouble sleeping, I would roll my Neal’s Yard Sleep Remedy on my pulse points (a gift from my over-protective bestie!) and tune into one of the tracks on the Mindful IVF app. One of my good friends also got me a stack of 100 'You Got This' Quote Cards for my birthday, which I have taken to turning over one each morning and repeating out loud. Some have been so needed on that day, and I have taken my favourite cards out and dotted them around my bedroom!
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| "The Fears We Don't Face Become Our Limits" was the quote that I turned over on the day I went live with my blog - eek! |
47 long, loooong days after my initial bleed post-IVF, my period finally decided to rear her now-welcome head. I had given my body and mind a complete makeover, and was ready and raring to get going again... IVF Round 3 was calling our number!
KEB x
P.s We also decided to get a kitten as a distraction. He's a complete psychopath, but we love him.
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| Because let's face it - this is the only type of announcement that we IVFer's can handle! |
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