Hope

The Two Week Wait felt much differently to last time. I had continuous cramping on and off since egg collection, and at 5 Days Past Transfer I noticed some ever-so-slight spotting. I knew that this was one of two things – either the cycle had failed, and my body was getting ready for a period, or this was implantation bleeding. Obviously, I googled what I had googled a hundred times before – what should it look like? (just FYI do NOT click on images – some people do actually upload their bloody knick pics!! *shudders*) and I also found a piece of research which tells you what the embryo is doing each day after implantation. Lo and behold, Days 5-7 were crucial for implantation. I dared to hope, ever so slightly, that this was it for us.  

The next day, I had one of my best friend’s baby showers. Now, I’m not good at baby showers under the best of circumstances. I really hate the cringey games and small talk with other mums, and, as a childless infertile woman, these parties are just unbearable for us. BUT I like to think I’m a good sport, and I’ll still go to support my friends. The only time I couldn’t face going to one was a few weeks after our miscarriage last year, and my wounds were just too raw to be ripped open again at another baby shower. I was gutted because I really did want to try to go, but my mental health had to come first.  

I was still spotting at the baby shower, and it had got slightly heavier at this point. I tried to put on a brave face and plough through it, but inside I was just aching (physically and emotionally) to know what was going on. I went home and just stayed horizontal for the rest of the weekend. 

I was due to go back to work a week after embryo transfer, but my head was getting so screwed with symptom-spotting and anxiety that I knew I wouldn’t be productive, let alone fear the worst if I went to the loo in work and saw red blood. I took another week as sick, trying to stay calm and resting up with the cats at home. I was looking after my diet with lots of high protein foods (I didn’t have to down the dreaded protein shakes this time, thank god!), keeping my feet warm (for a warm womb, according to my acupuncturist!) and just took things easy. 

I also pushed for extra hormone support in the form of Lubion progesterone injections. I had done a lot of research in the wait for Round 3, and found that women who had previously experienced miscarriages or had short luteal phases were put on extra doses of this hormone. Usually, in a natural pregnancy, the follicle that produced the egg would release progesterone to help the embryo implant, until about the 8-week mark when the placenta would take over and look after the baby. The clinic weren’t as fussed as I was about doing this, but nonetheless wrote a prescription for me. It was my money I was spending, after all! All IVF patients are prescribed extra progesterone, and mine was in the form of a pessary (front or back hole, take your pick, folks! Who said infertility wasn’t sexy?!) which I was advised to take from egg collection right up until 12 weeks, if I was lucky enough to make it that far. So not only was I on a double-dose of pessaries every day, but I was also back on daily injections of progesterone for 6 weeks. 

By the time test day rolled around, I was in a much calmer state than before. There were no tears leading up to the day, and even J said I was doing so much better, emotionally! I was still practicing mindfulness, and going for short walks when the cramps weren’t too bad. I got J to go into Sainsbury’s and buy some pregnancy tests (“all the brands, babe, just to be sure”) as I was so fearful of bumping into someone I knew. The clinic had been so much more relaxed this time, too. Before, I was told I must test 14 days after embryo transfer, but this time they were quite blasé and just said anytime between 10-14 days would be fine. We opted for 11 days post transfer for our test day. This was the exact amount of days before we tested on Round #1. 

Friday 24th May 2019: Test Day. 

I filmed our reaction as we found out together the results of our first round of IVF, and I can’t watch it without crying now. But this time, I just couldn’t call it, and as much as I have tried to keep a record of our journey, this moment was just all or nothing for us. It had to be just us two. 

I turned over the digital screen, and it said “2-3 weeks pregnant” at us.  

We Dared to Dream and our perfect embryo had made it - we are pregnant!

AHHHHHHHH! This was crazy – at this point in Round #1, it only said “1-2 weeks pregnant”, so I knew already that we had a stronger pregnancy than before! I kept taking tests for a few more days, and then every other day, until I got my “3+ weeks pregnant” indicator. We don’t do HCG blood tests in the UK (which measure the level of pregnancy hormone in your blood, and it should increase dramatically every few days) so seeing that my hormone levels were indeed increasing on the digital tests was a huge relief. We didn’t do any big “announcements” to family or close friends, we just sent texts or dropped it into conversation when we saw them. The announcements from our first round had been tainted with loss after the miscarriage, and I didn’t want to jinx it.  

The day we reached 6 weeks was a massive milestone for us, because we knew that at this point was where it all started to go downhill for us last time. I was on constant knicker-watch, checking for blood every time I peed, and my anxiety was reaching an all-time high – especially in work. At 6 weeks plus two days, I breathed a sigh of relief as another positive test came back, stronger than ever.  

We were scheduled for our “viability” scan at 6 weeks + 6 days with the fertility clinic, and I was scared shitless. We knew that couples could go into these scans, full of hope and positive pregnancy tests, only to be told that there is no heartbeat, or that the pregnancy is ectopic. Again, down came my pants, as the scan was internal, and I refused to look at the nurse until she spoke to me. But I knew everything was okay before I opened my eyes, as I heard her say “are you happy with what you can see?” to the student nurse she was teaching at the same time. Well, I just burst into so many happy, relieved tears.  

6 Weeks 6 Days - You can see the pregnancy sac (black mass) with the foetus at the top of it!

We’d finally made it. We were officially pregnant, and as she spun the screen around, there was a grainy heartbeat flickering away like a jumping bean. We were given photos of my uterus with a blurry smudge in the top of the pregnancy sac, and our tiny baby was measuring exactly on track at 8mm - about the size of a grain of rice.  

At this point – after 22 months of appointments, scans, consultations, tests, procedures, two pregnancies and buckets of tears – we said goodbye to the Ocean Suite. We were officially discharged from our fertility clinic, and Judy (Christmas socks nurse!) gave me a massive hug as she waved us off on our next big adventure – a “normal” pregnancy. 

KEB x