"Don't drink the water!"

I’ve had a bit of writer’s block lately. I thought I’d gotten back into the swing of things with my last post. But honestly, I’m struggling with a lot of external factors in my life that means that writing has taken a backseat lately. I won’t go into detail, you don’t need (any more of!) my life story, but essentially those worries have kept me up long into the night, and it finally dawned on me during another sleepless night that I had something to write about again.  

Ladies and gents, let’s play a game of... What not to say to someone struggling with infertility! 

This week I found myself reading a heart-breaking post by a fellow IVF couple. Tragically, after 3 IUI’s and 2 rounds of IVF, their latest round had ended in an early miscarriage. They have quite a large following (and no wonder, they’re a brilliant couple!) but sadly having lots of followers meant that they get insensitive comments all the time from people who weigh in on their fertility journey, suggesting alternative treatments or therapies. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure a lot of people say things that come from a loving place, but for the love of god – before you suggest something – THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.  

I’m still finding this difficult, even though I’m pregnant now. Something that I think our friends, family and co-workers have not addressed – or are even aware of – is that just because we’re pregnant does not mean that we are now cured of infertility. We are still infertile. We became pregnant because of science, not nature. It is still extremely highly likely that should we wish to get pregnant in future, we will need IVF/ICSI treatment again. 

So, this brings me onto my main point – what not to say to people struggling!  

• After a pregnancy loss: “At least you CAN get pregnant!” Nope. Nuh uh. Not the one. I genuinely do not think this needs explaining. Your loss cannot be written off by an “at least” comment.  

• “Have you considered adoption?” Have YOU considered adoption, hun?! Surely adopting children should not just be left up to us infertiles!? A quick google search and simple maths proves the following: In the UK, around 3,000 children need to be adopted. 3.5 million people are infertile. And p.s there are SO MANY reasons why people choose not to adopt, and they should not be penalised for it. We don’t penalise fertile couples for choosing to have biological children, do we?! Plus add in the facts that not everyone can be approved for adopting or fostering, the legal jungle you have to wade through, and the risks involved for both the birth family and adoptive family... the list goes on. It’s a choice for the parents-to-be, not for you to air your own comments about it.  

• “Can’t you just use his brother’s sperm?” This one is a firm favourite for our circumstances! A few people have thought it’s okay to sign up my brother-in-law's swimmers for duty. Not only is this a hugely sensitive issue for us, no one even asked THEM if this could be an option! I get that so many siblings do offer up their eggs or sperm in desperate times, and I completely salute you and your heroism. You are fucking heroes, trust me! For us though, we just couldn’t see it happening. So many times, when J and I were at our lowest, I had to reassure him that it was HIM I wanted a child with – I didn’t just want a child end of story. I told him time and again that if I wanted one that badly, I would’ve resorted to other means by now. But it was HIM that I wanted to share my DNA with.  And on another note, he has two brothers. How would we have chosen between the two?! Before you say it, you cannot just mix multiple batches of sperm together in a turkey baster and hope for the best. They would actually work against each other, and become hostile. So, jut FYI, a little science for you. 

• “Can’t you just use a surrogate?” I’m sorry, would you please mind your own uterus? As far as my personal story is concerned, I wanted to be pregnant so very badly. The issue of a surrogate did not even cross my mind, as in the doctor’s eyes I was perfectly healthy and should have no reason to not bear a child. My miscarriage was down to mother nature, not because of me, per se. I had longed for the days when I would see my belly grow, would welcome morning sickness, and take advantage of my (temporarily) bigger boobs. I was actually asked that in my fertility counselling session – could I not “just use a sister, a cousin, or a close friend?” My heart was broken, and the last thing I needed was to see yet another pregnant belly – this time from someone growing my own damn child! It was for this reason that we stopped seeing her after the very first session.  

• “Just relax.” Infertility is an illness, a disease, recognised by the World Health Organisation. Relaxing will not cure diabetes, cancer or missing limbs. It will not work for infertility, either.  

• “Go on holiday, it’ll happen then!” We spent a small fortune trying out this method. An all-inclusive 4* week in Majorca, chucked it on the credit card and hoped for a lucky week. It rained for 5 of our 7 days, and we were stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do except watch reruns of You’ve Been Framed on the only available English TV channel. Pregnant, we did not become.  

• “Just get REALLY drunk!” This is my MIL’s favourite, who likes to remind us that most pregnancies are conceived through alcohol. I think she gets her stats from Pinterest, along with trying to get us to buy various herbal remedies to get pregnant by in just a few short weeks.  

• “You should talk to Susan. She got pregnant naturally after her IVF failed – it always happens!” You know the stats by now. 1 in 8. ONE IN EIGHT of us couple are infertile. Which means that someone always knows someone else who’s going through it. I appreciate the connection, but that’s usually where it stops. Infertility takes on an ugly form in so many shapes, sizes and variances – it's actually really quite hard to find someone to talk to who is going through the exact same circumstances as you. I used to follow IVF’ers on my personal Instagram account (but I’d be one of those lurking in the shadows, following your story but never daring to comment out of fear of “coming out!”), but the criteria to meet was so high! Were you in your late 20s? NHS or self-funded? Male factor infertility? No known problems yourself? Living in the UK? In the South West? In PLYMOUTH?! Us too! Did we just become best friends?! Note: I follow – and have followers – of all different circumstances now. I appreciate we all just want the same outcome at the end of the day. We’ve all got this! 

• “You’re having a boy? Well maybe your next one will be a girl!” Yes, we are completely blessed to know that we have one very precious embryo chilling out in a very cold freezer somewhere, waiting to be used one day. One embryo does not = another guaranteed child. Friends, family, colleagues – PLEASE understand that there are still risks involved IF we decide to use it. The embryo may not thaw properly, thus rendering it useless. It still may not implant correctly after transfer. Miscarriage is a still a very real risk, as with all the other risks associated with pregnancy, such as an ectopic pregnancy, Down’s, stillbirth etc. Also, that embryo’s genes have already kicked in. Whether it’s a boy or girl has already been decided by fate.  We may also decided that one is enough for us, and what we do with that embryo will be OUR decision when the time comes to decide what to do with it. 

• “IVF/surrogacy/[insert other fertility treatments here] is just for celebrities trying to play god.” When people say things like “Kim Kardashian only used a surrogate because she cares more about her body than giving birth” it makes my blood boil. Sure, there are the airheaded WAGs who have been very vocal about using IVF just so that they can get pregnant with the elusive daughter-they-never-thought-they-could-have, even though they’re extremely lucky to already have multiple boys already. But Kim K has also been very vocal about the fact that she had serious risks to her health if she got pregnant again, therefore couldn’t physically get pregnant again without putting herself in extreme danger. Do some research before commenting, for god’s sake. 

I mean I love water but this is ridiculous.

• “Don’t drink the water, you’ll get pregnant!” There are currently five women who are pregnant at my work, all due within a few months of each other. If I hear this phrase one more time, I will smack someone. We have a very efficient water cooler in the office, however I am sure that Thirsty Work are not somehow filtering magical fertility vitamins through the system. One cannot get pregnant from keeping hydrated on water alone. If you need a refresher on how babies are made, I suggest you go back to the beginning of this blog and read up. It’s highly insensitive to insinuate that people can get pregnant as easy as that, especially when my colleagues know about my IVF treatment, in particular. There is also no "magic chair" that we've all sat on at one point or another either - if there was, then I'm sure Ikea would've cottoned onto that moneymaker by now, too. 

And my personal favourite... 

• “Just you wait until you have kids...”  

Seriously. ALL I’VE DONE IS FUCKING WAIT. 

KEB x 

P.s We have fallen victim to every single one of those examples above. This list is not exhaustive. But I am exhausted with trying to explain myself. We shouldn’t have to, and our journey to parenthood will be chosen by myself and my husband, ONLY.