Today, I waved my best friend off as she starts her most exciting adventure yet – Motherhood.
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| Besties expecting besties - this girl pulls off leopard print like no other! |
I’m lucky enough to say that I get to work with my best friend. She’s not a colleague who I’ve just grown really close to over the years – our husbands were schoolfriends, and she actually helped me get the job I’m in now – but our friendship has blossomed over the last 6 years into one that I truly believe will last a lifetime. However today, after 5 years of seeing each other every day, I said goodbye to her as she starts her maternity leave.
You’d think given my history that I’d be gutted to be seeing this happen. After years of struggling with infertility I was watching yet another friend disappear off to welcome her new bundle of joy into the world. But I don’t feel this way with her. I feel excitement at the thought of her new arrival, pride for the steps she’s taken to become the best mummy possible, and sheer gratitude for what she’s taught me over the last few years. You see, the best thing she has done for our friendship has been that she’s always honest. No secrets. No drama.
Last week, I talked about some of the (many!) wrong things you can say to someone struggling with infertility. But ultimately, the kindest thing you can do is just to be honest. This girl has always been available to lend an ear when I’m sad, mirrored my frustration when things don’t go right, and calmed me down when she could see the steam start to come out of my ears! She’s also been the one to give me the kick up the arse I needed when I would doubt good things in my life – she sees the bright side of things and doesn’t pussyfoot around the situation!
Perhaps you know someone going through some sort of struggle to become a parent. Here’s some handy tips that this one has done for me over the years, and I’m eternally grateful for:
- Pick up the phone. She’s one of the few friends who actually still talk on the phone for no reason, just to catch up. We end up having a right laugh, and it’s so nice to keep the conversation going for an hour without having to send emojis and get carpal tunnel from texting all night!
- Buy her some flowers. Nothing says “I’m thinking of you” like a bunch of flowers. They don’t have to be expensive, but no one ever got sad from flowers.
- Leave a little note somewhere for her to find. A Post-It note on my desk from my bestie telling me she loves me went a long way once upon a time ago, and lifted my spirits immensely. I think a bar of Galaxy was also involved. Which brings me to my next point...
- Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate.
- Invite them over for a cuppa. Even better – go to hers for a cuppa! She’s much more likely to accept an invitation of “shall I pop over for a bit?” than a “pop in whenever you’re free!” You don’t really give them the option of saying no, and usually you know they need you.
- Organise a baby-talk free day. Spas, shopping, or even just going for a walk around a National Trust park will do wonders for the soul – especially if you know that the baby talk is banned!
- For the IVF friends – make up a little hamper for them to enjoy while they recover from egg collection. I had two of these made up from my best friends, filled with lots of magazines, chocolate, puzzle books, candles and face masks. What a treat for when you’re feeling like shit! And unexpected too, it’s not like M&S are in the market for an Infertility Hamper!
- Remind them that they are strong, and that everyone has their back. Infertility has a HUGE impact on their mental health, and I even forget the toll it’s taken on my body and mind over the years. Plugging yourself full of supplements, the healthy eating, gruelling gym sessions to stay fit, the injections, the therapy, the appointments, the never-ending hospital visits, the tears... Even as I type it, my eyes are getting wider!
- Be honest. If you’re thinking of trying for a family soon, just give her a heads up. You don’t have to tell her your ovulation patterns, but just a rough idea of your plans so it’s not a complete ambush goes a long way!
You may think that I’m only saying these things because I am currently pregnant, and what a different situation I would be in if things weren’t the case. On the contrary, I have a handful of women around me who have done the same when we were still trying for a baby, and I’ve still felt the same with them, too. It all comes down to honesty. But it was only a handful, which was sad.
My best friend was one of the handful. She told me in advance that she and her husband were starting to think about trying for a family, and so when the time came that she had that all-important “something to tell me” it wasn’t a shock, and for once – I didn’t feel sad! I felt sheer excitement and elation for my friend! Rather than think the usual “I’m happy for you, but sad for me” I purely felt joy for her – I knew this feeling and wanted it so bad that I was just so delighted that her time had come!
There is something that you will hear a lot if you are struggling to conceive: “Everything happens for a reason.” It can be a shit statement. But think about it – it's also a really, genuinely valid point.
I think back over the years and wonder what would have been if we got pregnant when we started trying. Would my relationship with my husband be the same? Would we be as strong if we didn’t have to wade through the shit-storm over the last three years? Would my friendships be the same? Would I still be naïve to the world of fertility? Would I value my family now, more than ever?
Obviously, I don’t know the answers to some of these questions. But infertility has made me grateful for what it has opened my eyes up to. I don’t think I would have changed much as a person, and for once it made me put myself before others for the sake of my mental health – which I didn’t even realise was deteriorating rapidly at the time. Of course, my relationship has hit some stormy times, but we’ve grown through what we’ve gone through, and the love I have for my husband now is ridiculous in comparison to the pre-baby-making days! He has shown me how much of a true hero he is, and I didn’t even know it when I married him.
I was never even really a family person before all of this, either. It sounds weird, because of course I love my family. But they've shown me that with every hurdle, we all go through it together. My win is their win. My loss is their loss. My grief is their grief. Opening up to them about our infertility was one of the best things we could’ve done, and would you know it took me a year to tell my own parents what was going on?! Oh, how it broke down some barriers! But it meant that instantly we were all on the same page, and we would move forward together.
So, everything happens for a reason, right? I genuinely believe this to be true as of this moment. If I had fallen pregnant three years ago, with no issues and no intervention, I wouldn’t be half the woman I am now. Since going through IVF three times, I like to refer to myself as Wonder Woman, and I know that this test has been building me up to be the best mumma I can be to my son. (My SON. God, that still feels weird to say.)
It also means that I wouldn’t be able to share this amazing experience with my best friend. With just 11 short weeks between our due dates, we’ll be able to see our boys grow up together. We’ll experience the highs and lows of motherhood together, and what better person to do that with than your own very best friend?! Incredibly, I’m also due around the same time as two of my other closest friends, so again I feel like this is the Universe’s way of saying that NOW is my time. They’re also work friends, which just goes to show that actually your colleagues can end up being the most loyal friends you ever have. You spend most of your life with them, so why wouldn’t they end up in your Inner Circle?!
I feel like I’ve gone off subject a bit with this post, and I don’t really know if the content flows very well for the message I’m trying to convey. But ultimately, honesty is the best policy. It’s the best way to protect yourself, and your relationships from falling victim to the dark side of infertility!
KEB x
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