You Do You, Hun

My last post was hugely liberating for me. To be able to say out loud that I had antenatal depression whilst pregnant with Morgan lifted a weight off my shoulders, like the first time we went public with our infertility struggles. One of the things that would drag me down though, was the constant comparison of my life to others’.  

This is where J and I have completely different views on life. He chooses to see the upside in everything, yet I have struggled massively to move on from my “It’s Not Fair” storyline. I would constantly start a conversation with “oh I saw such-and-such got pregnant after only a few months trying,” or even for other IVFers: “they got SO many more embryos than us!” It’s that age-old quote: you shouldn’t measure your success by someone else’s ruler. And it never got me anywhere – in fact, it just caused more harm than good, and it would be the source of many an argument between us.   

Social media is a huge blame for this. We are constantly scrolling through endless photos of the perfect life – the successful career, the great hair and flawless skin, the absolute relationship goals, the beautiful baby (that you conceived your first month of trying, no less) and of course, the most envious house and nursery, to boot. And I myself am an example of seeing that where people seem to have it so much better, I forget what’s really in front of my eyes. I forget that we’re on the property ladder, we have good, stable jobs, we own our own car, we’re (mostly 😛) happily married, and have the absolute most gorgeous son on the planet! (Biased? Maybe. Fact? Yes.) 

So, here’s just a reminder, that in this awful time where we’re spending so much time at home, we’re inevitably going to be spending so much more time on our phones and tablets, too. If social media is bogging you down, it’s time You Do You, Hun. Do what is best for YOU and your life, even if it means making tough decisions about deleting people or apps off your phone. I myself am a huge fan of the mute button on Instagram, especially people’s stories! Is it just me who feels the need to view every single one of the stories until the circle is removed from around someone’s photo? I feel like it’s an OCD sort of situation, like “I must view this so that my feed looks clean again!” I am also guilty of unfollowing other mums, even now (insert shocked face!) because surely their life can’t all just be about presenting their child with the perfect lactose and gluten-free vegan dish (inspired by Mr Wicks, no less) aboard a BPA-free bamboo platter shaped like a unicorn for Every. Single. Meal?! That is not reality. I regularly delete WhatsApp in an attempt to unplug from the outside world when things are getting a bit too much for me, too. To reiterate: Newborn baby. House renovation. Global pandemic. And that’s okay.

 

"Oh mummy, surely you didn't think it would be rainbows and glitter ALL the time, did you?!"

Right after Morgan was born, I found myself spending SO MUCH time glued to my phone – and for all the wrong reasons! If anything, I should’ve been taking photo after photo of him, like any new parent would do. Instead, I was hung up on replying to people’s constant well-wishes, wanting to know how the labour went, or how our house was coming along. In work, I’m that person that has to have a clean Inbox, and being on maternity leave I guess I brought that along with me, in the sense that I had to have a clean phone, too. But I recognised quickly that it was becoming too much, especially because my head wasn’t in the right frame of mind (more on that later!). I put a message out on Instagram to say that I was going offline for a few weeks whilst I enjoyed my newborn bubble. But we shouldn’t even have to do that these days! If it’s right for you and your wellbeing, then do it! Don’t feel like you have to justify yourself! You do not need to give two weeks’ notice on your social media accounts! 

Unfollow that person if seeing their posts brings you sadness, not joy. Mute them if it’s a sensitive relationship, such as a family member. Uninstall apps that you spend too much time obsessing over. What does Marie Kondo say? If it doesn’t bring you joy, get rid of it. I also like to exit WhatsApp group messages – anyone else hate the constant pinging of your phone about needless conversation?! I would MUCH rather chat crap over the phone with a friend any day – messages don’t get misconstrued amongst emojis and bad grammar, and you have such a laugh instead!   I actually left my NCT group message this week. It wasn’t bringing me joy to stay in that group, and I actually found it was making me have mum guilt like no other, because I wasn’t doing things the way that other mums were. And so, what?! It shouldn’t be a competition or a contest, but yet I still felt like shit. I know Morgan is happy and healthy, and I’m doing my absolute fucking best at being his mum in this new, weird world! So, I don’t use reusable nappies, that’s my choice. So, I let him cry it out when he’s having a tantrum, rather than cuddling him to within an inch of his life, that’s my choice! Don’t get me wrong, there are a few absolute stars in that group, and they have proven themselves to be genuine friends outside of the world of NCT, which I’m entirely grateful for. It’s just a shame that overall, J and I don’t feel like we got the whole “NCT Parent Group” experience you pay a massive whack for. And that’s okay. You live and learn. 

Lastly, don’t apologise for your social media silence. I’m a massive culprit of this, and we shouldn’t feel guilty for not replying instantly to messages or updating our newsfeed constantly. Social media has only been around for the last couple decades or so, and everyone before got by just fine without it. You will too! 

KEB x  

P.s probably going to lose a lot of followers for this post, aren't I? Oh, the irony! 

An IVF Pregnancy: Dealing with Antenatal Depression

I keep using the word “trauma.” I’ve been through a massive trauma; I’m suffering from this trauma. I even Googled (and sadly, yes there are other accounts of this!) ‘PTSD after IVF’. It’s a real thing, and it took me until the third trimester to realise that I really wasn’t okay.  

The trauma that infertility has dealt me had developed into antenatal depression. That may not sound much to some, but physically saying the “D” word shocked me sideways. I had an episode of just crying, and crying – for weeks. I could not remember a day where I didn’t cry.  Then all within a week of each other, my midwife, health visitor and manager all realised that I was on the edge and told me I needed to do something about it. I was not in any good mental state, and those three people were genuinely worried about me. 

I realised a massive part of this was due to the fact that I’d been lying to myself. Lying to others. Maybe it’s just because of the social media side of things, or because I’m trying to put on a brave face to my followers like everything is rosy. But actually, they’re seriously not. I would act like I was okay with everything to people’s faces, because I thought that’s what they expected of me now I had my longed-for pregnancy. But naïve comments about “just” getting pregnant still tore at my heart, and pregnancy announcements still stung massively. I would still swallow my feelings and break down the moment I got home. It just wasn’t fair. 

The hurt and anger that I’ve faced from infertility had not just gone away because I got pregnant. It will NEVER go away. And what I’ve come to realise, is that hardly anyone realises this. Not my parents. Not my family, or friends. Infertility will ALWAYS affect us, and we aren’t just “cured” because we got pregnant. Every time J has a shot of insulin, he is not “cured” of diabetes, he’s learning to live with it. I’m aware that I stand up and shout out about infertility an awful lot, and I think that a lot of how I’m feeling is because I still don’t feel like I’m being heard. It’d be interesting to know how many people read my blog, for instance. I know it helps me because it’s my creative outlet, but do my friends, family and followers read it to get some sort of knowledge and understanding from me? Or is it just for the gossip? Who knows? (But maybe just give me a nudge and let me know you’ve read this, if you’re still with me!) 

I’ve read this post over and over, and I still don’t know if I’ve got my message across clearly. You know when you say something over again, and the word just has no meaning anymore? Essentially, what I’m trying to say is that I was not okay – mentally and emotionally – throughout my pregnancy, and still now in the early days of motherhood. To put it in perspective, my health visitor was so concerned with my mental wellbeing that, at 32 weeks pregnant, she got me to take the Edinburgh Post-Natal Depression test, and I scored one point below the “severe” threshold. I took this result to my manager, and we discussed at length the pros and cons to starting my maternity leave right there and then, if I wanted to. This was something that she proposed, and even though I declined for various reasons (work wasn’t the problem for me), I was still extremely grateful that I had the support from my workplace to work around me and my mental health.  

I decided I needed to take action. I couldn’t live like this anymore – pussyfooting around other people to make them feel okay about their crass comments, I had to control my emotions and learn to let go and react to them in a reasonable manner. I researched online to see if there were counsellors in my area who dealt with antenatal depression. We hear so often about postnatal depression; I had no clue this was even a thing! Soon enough, I discovered Dr Rosie Gilderthorp from Mind, Body and Baby, based right here in Plymouth. She deals with various factors of pregnancy and parenting, such as hypnobirthing and psychological therapy, and I emailed her a brief outline of what’s been going on (three years of trying, infertility diagnosis, three rounds of IVF, a miscarriage, and now currently pregnant) to see if she would be willing to help me, and she just GOT IT.  

I cried buckets of tears with her throughout the first few weeks of seeing her, but she helped me through mindful therapy techniques of how I could channel my emotions any time my old “story” would flare up. We pinpointed that essentially my story was “It’s Not Fair”, and I would always circle silly comments from others back to this sentence. I was acutely aware of the fact that I did not want to medicate myself to make me feel better. I’m not saying anti-depressants are a load of crap, I just realise that more often than not, people who take them end up on them multiple times in their life, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to take hold of my mental health, and learn to control it mindfully, not medically.  

I saw Rosie weekly up until I gave birth, and then a few times after Morgan was born, too. She helped me realise that I am in control of my emotions, and taught me techniques to let go of anger and sadness, or at least suppress it so that it didn’t overwhelm me like it did before. It’s still early days though, and I know I have a long way to go before I can truly feel at peace with the way life has gone for me. But for now, I can rest easy knowing I’m doing something about it. Antenatal depression isn’t something you hear about too much – I actually didn’t even know if it was a real thing! And I hate that I couldn’t enjoy my longed-for pregnancy in the way that I should have. See... It’s Not Fair!  

However, one thing for sure that I know is that life does not go as planned, and the only person that can control my life and my emotions is ME. I’m currently writing this in a house that no amount of Dettol can clean (thank you, previous owners), battling a massive DIY renovation while caring for our newborn baby... all in the midst of this bloody Covid-19 pandemic!!  

Before the pandemic, 2020 got off to the best start I could ever hope to imagine though, so I can only hope that things will get better soon – for everyone.  

Stay safe, stay home. 

KEB x 

My whole world :)