You Do You, Hun

My last post was hugely liberating for me. To be able to say out loud that I had antenatal depression whilst pregnant with Morgan lifted a weight off my shoulders, like the first time we went public with our infertility struggles. One of the things that would drag me down though, was the constant comparison of my life to others’.  

This is where J and I have completely different views on life. He chooses to see the upside in everything, yet I have struggled massively to move on from my “It’s Not Fair” storyline. I would constantly start a conversation with “oh I saw such-and-such got pregnant after only a few months trying,” or even for other IVFers: “they got SO many more embryos than us!” It’s that age-old quote: you shouldn’t measure your success by someone else’s ruler. And it never got me anywhere – in fact, it just caused more harm than good, and it would be the source of many an argument between us.   

Social media is a huge blame for this. We are constantly scrolling through endless photos of the perfect life – the successful career, the great hair and flawless skin, the absolute relationship goals, the beautiful baby (that you conceived your first month of trying, no less) and of course, the most envious house and nursery, to boot. And I myself am an example of seeing that where people seem to have it so much better, I forget what’s really in front of my eyes. I forget that we’re on the property ladder, we have good, stable jobs, we own our own car, we’re (mostly 😛) happily married, and have the absolute most gorgeous son on the planet! (Biased? Maybe. Fact? Yes.) 

So, here’s just a reminder, that in this awful time where we’re spending so much time at home, we’re inevitably going to be spending so much more time on our phones and tablets, too. If social media is bogging you down, it’s time You Do You, Hun. Do what is best for YOU and your life, even if it means making tough decisions about deleting people or apps off your phone. I myself am a huge fan of the mute button on Instagram, especially people’s stories! Is it just me who feels the need to view every single one of the stories until the circle is removed from around someone’s photo? I feel like it’s an OCD sort of situation, like “I must view this so that my feed looks clean again!” I am also guilty of unfollowing other mums, even now (insert shocked face!) because surely their life can’t all just be about presenting their child with the perfect lactose and gluten-free vegan dish (inspired by Mr Wicks, no less) aboard a BPA-free bamboo platter shaped like a unicorn for Every. Single. Meal?! That is not reality. I regularly delete WhatsApp in an attempt to unplug from the outside world when things are getting a bit too much for me, too. To reiterate: Newborn baby. House renovation. Global pandemic. And that’s okay.

 

"Oh mummy, surely you didn't think it would be rainbows and glitter ALL the time, did you?!"

Right after Morgan was born, I found myself spending SO MUCH time glued to my phone – and for all the wrong reasons! If anything, I should’ve been taking photo after photo of him, like any new parent would do. Instead, I was hung up on replying to people’s constant well-wishes, wanting to know how the labour went, or how our house was coming along. In work, I’m that person that has to have a clean Inbox, and being on maternity leave I guess I brought that along with me, in the sense that I had to have a clean phone, too. But I recognised quickly that it was becoming too much, especially because my head wasn’t in the right frame of mind (more on that later!). I put a message out on Instagram to say that I was going offline for a few weeks whilst I enjoyed my newborn bubble. But we shouldn’t even have to do that these days! If it’s right for you and your wellbeing, then do it! Don’t feel like you have to justify yourself! You do not need to give two weeks’ notice on your social media accounts! 

Unfollow that person if seeing their posts brings you sadness, not joy. Mute them if it’s a sensitive relationship, such as a family member. Uninstall apps that you spend too much time obsessing over. What does Marie Kondo say? If it doesn’t bring you joy, get rid of it. I also like to exit WhatsApp group messages – anyone else hate the constant pinging of your phone about needless conversation?! I would MUCH rather chat crap over the phone with a friend any day – messages don’t get misconstrued amongst emojis and bad grammar, and you have such a laugh instead!   I actually left my NCT group message this week. It wasn’t bringing me joy to stay in that group, and I actually found it was making me have mum guilt like no other, because I wasn’t doing things the way that other mums were. And so, what?! It shouldn’t be a competition or a contest, but yet I still felt like shit. I know Morgan is happy and healthy, and I’m doing my absolute fucking best at being his mum in this new, weird world! So, I don’t use reusable nappies, that’s my choice. So, I let him cry it out when he’s having a tantrum, rather than cuddling him to within an inch of his life, that’s my choice! Don’t get me wrong, there are a few absolute stars in that group, and they have proven themselves to be genuine friends outside of the world of NCT, which I’m entirely grateful for. It’s just a shame that overall, J and I don’t feel like we got the whole “NCT Parent Group” experience you pay a massive whack for. And that’s okay. You live and learn. 

Lastly, don’t apologise for your social media silence. I’m a massive culprit of this, and we shouldn’t feel guilty for not replying instantly to messages or updating our newsfeed constantly. Social media has only been around for the last couple decades or so, and everyone before got by just fine without it. You will too! 

KEB x  

P.s probably going to lose a lot of followers for this post, aren't I? Oh, the irony!