I keep using the word “trauma.” I’ve been through a massive trauma; I’m suffering from this trauma. I even Googled (and sadly, yes there are other accounts of this!) ‘PTSD after IVF’. It’s a real thing, and it took me until the third trimester to realise that I really wasn’t okay.
The trauma that infertility has dealt me had developed into antenatal depression. That may not sound much to some, but physically saying the “D” word shocked me sideways. I had an episode of just crying, and crying – for weeks. I could not remember a day where I didn’t cry. Then all within a week of each other, my midwife, health visitor and manager all realised that I was on the edge and told me I needed to do something about it. I was not in any good mental state, and those three people were genuinely worried about me.
I realised a massive part of this was due to the fact that I’d been lying to myself. Lying to others. Maybe it’s just because of the social media side of things, or because I’m trying to put on a brave face to my followers like everything is rosy. But actually, they’re seriously not. I would act like I was okay with everything to people’s faces, because I thought that’s what they expected of me now I had my longed-for pregnancy. But naïve comments about “just” getting pregnant still tore at my heart, and pregnancy announcements still stung massively. I would still swallow my feelings and break down the moment I got home. It just wasn’t fair.
The hurt and anger that I’ve faced from infertility had not just gone away because I got pregnant. It will NEVER go away. And what I’ve come to realise, is that hardly anyone realises this. Not my parents. Not my family, or friends. Infertility will ALWAYS affect us, and we aren’t just “cured” because we got pregnant. Every time J has a shot of insulin, he is not “cured” of diabetes, he’s learning to live with it. I’m aware that I stand up and shout out about infertility an awful lot, and I think that a lot of how I’m feeling is because I still don’t feel like I’m being heard. It’d be interesting to know how many people read my blog, for instance. I know it helps me because it’s my creative outlet, but do my friends, family and followers read it to get some sort of knowledge and understanding from me? Or is it just for the gossip? Who knows? (But maybe just give me a nudge and let me know you’ve read this, if you’re still with me!)
I’ve read this post over and over, and I still don’t know if I’ve got my message across clearly. You know when you say something over again, and the word just has no meaning anymore? Essentially, what I’m trying to say is that I was not okay – mentally and emotionally – throughout my pregnancy, and still now in the early days of motherhood. To put it in perspective, my health visitor was so concerned with my mental wellbeing that, at 32 weeks pregnant, she got me to take the Edinburgh Post-Natal Depression test, and I scored one point below the “severe” threshold. I took this result to my manager, and we discussed at length the pros and cons to starting my maternity leave right there and then, if I wanted to. This was something that she proposed, and even though I declined for various reasons (work wasn’t the problem for me), I was still extremely grateful that I had the support from my workplace to work around me and my mental health.
I decided I needed to take action. I couldn’t live like this anymore – pussyfooting around other people to make them feel okay about their crass comments, I had to control my emotions and learn to let go and react to them in a reasonable manner. I researched online to see if there were counsellors in my area who dealt with antenatal depression. We hear so often about postnatal depression; I had no clue this was even a thing! Soon enough, I discovered Dr Rosie Gilderthorp from Mind, Body and Baby, based right here in Plymouth. She deals with various factors of pregnancy and parenting, such as hypnobirthing and psychological therapy, and I emailed her a brief outline of what’s been going on (three years of trying, infertility diagnosis, three rounds of IVF, a miscarriage, and now currently pregnant) to see if she would be willing to help me, and she just GOT IT.
I cried buckets of tears with her throughout the first few weeks of seeing her, but she helped me through mindful therapy techniques of how I could channel my emotions any time my old “story” would flare up. We pinpointed that essentially my story was “It’s Not Fair”, and I would always circle silly comments from others back to this sentence. I was acutely aware of the fact that I did not want to medicate myself to make me feel better. I’m not saying anti-depressants are a load of crap, I just realise that more often than not, people who take them end up on them multiple times in their life, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to take hold of my mental health, and learn to control it mindfully, not medically.
I saw Rosie weekly up until I gave birth, and then a few times after Morgan was born, too. She helped me realise that I am in control of my emotions, and taught me techniques to let go of anger and sadness, or at least suppress it so that it didn’t overwhelm me like it did before. It’s still early days though, and I know I have a long way to go before I can truly feel at peace with the way life has gone for me. But for now, I can rest easy knowing I’m doing something about it. Antenatal depression isn’t something you hear about too much – I actually didn’t even know if it was a real thing! And I hate that I couldn’t enjoy my longed-for pregnancy in the way that I should have. See... It’s Not Fair!
However, one thing for sure that I know is that life does not go as planned, and the only person that can control my life and my emotions is ME. I’m currently writing this in a house that no amount of Dettol can clean (thank you, previous owners), battling a massive DIY renovation while caring for our newborn baby... all in the midst of this bloody Covid-19 pandemic!!
Before the pandemic, 2020 got off to the best start I could ever hope to imagine though, so I can only hope that things will get better soon – for everyone.
Stay safe, stay home.
KEB x
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| My whole world :) |
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